I think I’m finally at Acceptance. What about you?
One of my favourite TV series is “Revenge“. The star of the show always starts off with a narration. One episode had her describing the 5 stages of grief. My mind started to wander, and while she was talking about the grievance for death, I was thinking of my grievance for Lyme. I quickly looked up this theory which is actually called the Kübler-Ross Model.
“Kübler-Ross added that these stages are not meant to be complete or chronological. Her hypothesis also holds that not everyone who experiences a life-threatening or life-altering event feels all five of the responses nor will everyone who does experience them do so in any particular order. The hypothesis is that the reactions to illness, death, and loss are as unique as the person experiencing them.” (reference found here)
Stage 1: Denial
I am not sure if I was ever in denial over this because I was so desperately trying to prove its’ existence. When that finally happened, I was glad that was over. Half the trek was getting the diagnosis. Maybe there were a few days of where denial came into play, but I am never one deny the existence of anything. There were many days of questioning if maybe I was barking up the wrong tree yet again, but never denial.
Stage 2: Anger
Last October, when I was trying to figure out if I was dying, I made a joke to my husband after scouring the internet for answers to my wellbeing. “I bet I have Lyme.” We both started laughing. I’m not sure why we started laughing. We both didn’t know what it was, and the word sounded funny to me. I even mentioned it to my Chiro and we also laughed it off. Why? I don’t know. It certainly wasn’t a laughing matter. See, I was on the right path. I dismissed my research and suffered needlessly for another 6 months because there was no awareness or education. I thought I had to literally be riding a deer in order to get Lyme.
Finally when faced with the matters at hand. I got angry. Why me? What I have I done in life to deserve this? Why is our government so ass backwards? Why did it take so long for me to get a diagnosis and now be faced with another uphill battle to get treatment? I was angry at everything. I was angry that everything I read were people’s misery and suffering with no end in sight. I was angry that I wasted so much of my time researching for answers. I was angry that I never took my health seriously, letting my immune system be compromised.
Stage 3: Bargaining
I know the exact time when my symptoms started. It happened in 2 big occurrences. The second time, I literally thought I was going to die. I wrote a letter to God promising all sorts of things. I will do anything if I can just get my life back. I will be a better mother. I will be a better wife. I will no longer care about material things. The list went on.
Stage 4: Depression
The depression didn’t come on as a result of the diagnosis. The depression came on because there was NO diagnosis. I know depression is a symptom and I’m glad to say that I never really experience this. Although when the second occurrence came, something was really screwy with my brain. I had the worst anxiety ever together with depression. This thankfully went away. I don’t know if it will come back during treatment but I will do everything in my power to not experience this. Being faithful to God is the only answer.
Stage 5: Acceptance
Yesterday, I don’t remember what I was doing, but a thought inside me finally allowed me to accept it. I think it was a symptom I was experiencing at that time. And thinking “will I be having this for the rest of my life?” I was ready and and willing to accept the little annoying symptoms. As long as they remain minor.
It’s like standing up and saying, “Hi my name is ___________ and I have Lyme.” I am not going to say Chronic, because I believe that I will get over this. Chronic to me is something long term that will never go away and I intend for that not to happen. That is why I haven’t a bought a dedicated domain name for this blog, even though my profession is web design. That to me just means that I will be branded to a lifetime commitment for this blog and that is not my intention. This is just a temporary journal of my life in order to help others.
With all the steps above, they didn’t happen chronologically for me. They happened sporadically, sometimes going back and forth. This theory can be applied to anything in your life, a loss of a loved one, a break-up, a separation or a divorce.
However, I think one more step is needed here for completion and that is:
Step 6: Moving On
Once we have accepted our circumstance, let that sink in for however long it takes and when the time comes, there will be a chance to move on. This will only be a chapter in your life. Small or big. Good or bad.
I am patiently waiting for my Step #6.