Human Guinea Pig ~ Take # 354
If you are squeamish and don’t like to talk about stuff in your intestines, I invite you to hit the X on the top of your browser.
I’ll start off the post with this text between my BFF and I.
So, BFF, here are my thoughts.
I was recommended by a good friend of mine to go get some Colonics (or Colonic Hydrotherapy, or Colon Irrigation). Basically the purpose of it is to clean out your colon. A regular enema only goes so far up, cleaning the lower part, the sigmoid and part of the descending colon. A colonic, will cleanse the entire length. If you are a newbie, you may be impacted and they recommend you do a series of 6 colonics at first. Like 2 the first week, then 1 the week after etc. For me personally, I think this is way too much and I would be scared to shock my system. Why would you be impacted? Because you basically have poo in your colon that may be stuck for YEARS, which can cause parasites, bacteria and other not so nice stuff to grow in there.
I was very apprehensive in trying this. It literally took me 2 years to brave it. But this was part of my game plan. So, 2 years later, I arrive at my destination.
Walking into the Naturopath Cilnic:
I was told that the Colonic woman is a sweetheart. She is very grandmotherly and will put you at ease immediately. And boy were they right! Picture a little 5 foot woman with a strong South American accent. She greeted me with the warmest handshake and took me into the Colonics room. She showed me their sterilization process and began to tell me the process of a colonic. She kept emphasizing that she will try to make me feel as comfortable as possible. At first when I entered the room, I was like OMG. Here’s a quick drawing from my iPad.
Keep in mind that the bathroom there is a Stall. It does NOT have walls. The entire time she was talking, I was thinking about how I am going to use the toilet while she is RIGHT THERE. It’s kind of like thinking how you are about to do a discreet #2 in an office washroom with co-workers in the next stall.
I put that thought out of my head and figured I would deal with it later. She told me to go and use the bathroom now if I needed to and to take everything off bottom-wise and wrap myself with a towel. So I did all that, and then went up onto the table. I was greeted by a large poster that has a drawing of a colon. She told me then that the goal of Colonics is to reach the very end of the colon.
She told me to lie on my right side facing the wall and to take a deep breath. There goes in the sterilized metal contraption! YAY! That wasn’t as bad as I thought. Nothing different about this than a papsmear (although different location).
I was told now to lie on my back. The she got some cream and started massaging my stomach. I am guessing to move things around. This was my view.
She began to open up the pipes. I am not exactly sure how it works, but she called it a TIE-OFF. So basically what happens is that she will let water flow into your colon and she will tell you to hold it as long as you can. When you can’t hold it anymore, you say Stop! and she will tie-off, where she will shut off the incoming water and then open another valve where the water will drain into Lawrd knows where. Then the cramps will cease. In the midst of all this, there is a large mirror suspended from the ceiling where you get to see what comes out of the tube. This throws in some much needed entertainment. As things were coming out, she would tell me, “Oh! that is Ammonia!”, “Oh! that is Yeast/Candida!”, “Oh! that is Mucous!”, “Oh! that is Gas Bubbles!”. I felt pretty victorious as I kept seeing stuff coming out. Mind you, it took about the 5th tie off to see anything. I was beginning to think that my innards were very compacted. In between each tie-off, she would put a warm heating pad on my stomach and continue to massage my stomach. At one point, she had some vibrator contraption on my stomach.
I will tell you quite honestly, it wasn’t the metal contraption that was uncomfortable. It was the cramps that you must endure which each tie-off. It literally felt like you went and ate a bucket full of bad Mexican and then got stuck in traffic on the way home with nowhere to expel your stomach. This went on for about 30 minutes and I am guestimating about 10 tie-offs. In the meantime, she mentioned that water was also circulating in my colon. And also, she decided to do a blast of cold water in one of the tie-offs. Not so much fun with that one.
After the whole thing, she assisted me in getting up and asked if I felt faint. I said no, however the entire time, I was shaking. Like an adrenaline shake. Not a shivering shake. Not sure what’s up with that. She said that was normal. Then she said to go into the stall and make sure I put both feet on the stool while expelling the rest. I’m like “Ok! if you say so!”.
I get into the stall and felt no ways about expelling whatever was left. I was almost at the same point as when I gave birth. I didn’t care who was in the room, just get it out. NOW!
I made all sorts of noises I am sure, but listen, this little woman has probably seen it all. She doesn’t care. And neither should I.
After this, she told me to have a cup of herbal tea in their reception, and if I needed to use the rest room again, I can do so.
I had my peppermint tea, made some jokes with the receptionist and was on my way home only 10 minutes away thank goodness. As soon as I got home, I had a little soup because I was STARVING. Literally within 2 minutes, I had to dash to the bathroom again, and I am sure stuff was leaking out! My husband was sitting there laughing the whole time, and I kept screaming “Don’t worry! You’re next! I am making your appointment next week!!!“.
I had another 2 encounters or so with the bathroom and then I was fine.
So that is the story. Now, if the Colonic person been some hot dude, there was absolutely NO WAY that I would have done this.
Here are some tips if you want to have a Colonic:
- Don’t eat 2 hours before
- After your colonic, eat steamed or cook veggies, soups and avoid red meat
- Minimize carbohydrates to avoid constipation
- Drink 2L of water, herbal teas
- Take 30 billion Probiotic (Ultra Flora by Metagenics – recommended)
- After, take a fiber supplement